Would you believe my smile was totally fake on New Years day of 2019?
I tried. I really tried.
Like, I put-up-with-and-pushed-
I wanted things to be put together in my world like they were in my mind. If I just kept telling myself things were slowly but surely falling into place, maybe I wouldn’t completely fall apart. If I just kept busy, choking back the tears, or the desperate cries for help coming from inside, maybe they’d go away. Can you sleep off agony from a reality you pretend you’re not living in?
The sinking feeling in my stomach didn’t cease dropping until I hit my rock bottom four months into this year. Things had to get UGLY.
Thank God they did.
Without such blatant ugliness, my blinded, stubborn eyes might have remained shut.
Closed to truth. Pierced tightly together avoiding the monstrous elephant that wasn’t only in the room with me, but was constantly trampling me.
EYES WIDE OPEN
I remember the day my eyes opened. They were wide open, actually. If second salvation were a thing, I would believe this to have been it for me. Tears cascaded down my defeated face in sheets as I blinked right through them. I was motionless. I felt dead inside.
Rock bottom is cold and lonely. It’s quiet there. Only faints echoes of the reality you’ve been pressing down accompany you, but they are barely audible. The screams in your head that there HAS TO BE MORE TOMORROW … after I give this up… are louder. They come from the tiny, obscure opening at the top, where the only form of light and hope beckon you upwards.
In 2019, God blessed me with relationships, circumstances, and bravery that led me, inch by grueling inch, towards the tiny opening where light and hope called from.
Since April, I have worked my own program, recovering from severe codependency, severe love addiction, toxic relationships, abuse cycles, self-victimization, and attacks from spirits of dysfunction and wickedness. The last 9 months have been the REALEST months of my life… if that makes any sense.
Exiting life in denial feels sort of like I imagine Alice did, coming out of “wonderland,” back through the mirror, to find an actual world. When I began functioning in reality, I truly started living.
This generation needs parents and young people who will step up and go through the hell of facing themselves and their demons in a journey to find their true selves; the purest parts of ourselves that make us human, make us soft, make us real. Living in reality requires shedding fake personas, ingenuine excuses, and artificial patterns of living.
Our children want to know the real “us.” Do you know the real you? When I asked myself in early 2019, “who am I?…” I asked for the question to be rephrased. What do you mean “who… am I?” I didn’t understand the question, much less the answer.
How do you live a life not knowing WHO you are?
When we don’t know our true selves, we are 100% vulnerable to someone else telling us. Often times when we aren’t fully sold out to God, the enemy sends his demented minions and scourges to whisper in our ears who they think we really are.
“Well, that’s easy, you’re the drug addict and criminal.”
“You’re the person nobody trusts.”
You’re the person who can’t trust anybody else.”
“You’re the black sheep.”
“You’re the odd one out, the one who just isn’t like the others.”
“You’re the one whose daddy didn’t love you and no spouse will ever respect.”
“You’re the liar and the thief.”
“You’re the “not quite attractive enough” friend, but can make up for it by sleeping around.”
“You’re the loser without an education who should just give up your dreams.”
“You’re the selfish mom who stays home when you should be helping provide.”
“You’re the screw up divorcée who can’t make a man stay.”
“You’re the jerk whose standards are too high- you should have just accepted it all.”
“You’re the arrogant child who will always break your parent’s hearts.”
Can I just interject here, powers of darkness?
Thanks a mil.
You had me mistaken. In fact, you have the entire human race mistaken if you label any one of us as such, because my God- God Almighty- before HE actually formed me, He told me who I was. He has a name for each person on this Earth. We’re all made in HIS image, not yours Satan. So, bye Felicia. You are not invited to this party. Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Hello, 2020, my name is _________.
I am beyond excited to watch greatness unfold with you.
I am a child of God and a friend of Jesus! I have been justified and redeemed! My old self has been crucified and I am no longer a slave to sin! I have been set free from the law of sin and death! I have been accepted by Christ and called to be a saint! In Christ Jesus, I have wisdom, righteousness, sanctification, and redemption! My body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who dwells in me! I am joined to the Lord and have one spirit with Him!
The hardening of my mind has been removed in Christ! I am a new creature in Christ! I have been set free in Christ!
It’s time to walk into 2020 with our heads clear, and held high. We know who we are. We are ready to truly live.
Happiest New Year!